Looking Back

I read through some of the old interviews as I was reposting them and man, has this come a long way! I mentioned I was 24 in one of them and now I’m 30. Time really flies doesn’t it? I’m just so focused on the future that I lose sight of how far I’ve actually walked sometimes.

I remember when Out Of Hell was nothing more than a spark of motivation after playing Silent Hill. I thought to myself 6 years ago that hey, wouldn’t it be cool to make some sort of videogame? I wonder if it’s possible? Nah, probably not, but it would be cool!

Now it’s 2009 and I look back, back at that naive little guy whose excitement and enthusiasm overshadowed what little ability he thought he had. Did I really know what I was getting into? Sometimes you just look back, smile and shake your head.

What a roller-coaster ride it’s been. I’ve experienced so many things because of this project over the years. The highs and adrenaline rushes after implementing a new feature or fixing a bug, the depression phases and dry spells where the motivation just wasn’t there no matter how hard I tried.

At times, I would look up at the mountain that I was climbing, become invigorated and keep on climbing. Sometimes I would look up at it again and really fall into despair…the despair of knowing that you have an impossibly long fucking way to go and it’s just way too late to turn back. Those are brutal and dangerous times for creative-minded individuals.

It became even tougher when people started coming out of the woodwork. Some came into my life abruptly and left the same way, some treaded water with me until eventually they too let go. Some came under the guise of noble intentions but wanted nothing more than to snake what they could for their own ego-boosting purposes.

It surprises me to this day how quickly people show you their true selves when certain factors are involved. So many times I was down because of these issues and though the thought of giving up never crossed my mind, it was impossible for me to stay focused.

Man, just thinking and remembering those highs and lows…sometimes you just look back, smile and shake your head.